I appreciate, but have little time for “what used to be”. It is what “can be” that gets me up in the morning and invigorates my day.
The longer my existence on planet earth…the more I realize the ever evolving climate change of passions that once drove me. I highly regarded great artistry, and creativity in many areas. My obsessive compulsive nature enjoyed a dedication to what was in reality, the absolute worship of music, and everything that surrounded it. Deep down, I couldn’t understand how people could really enjoy any other kind of life more than being a musician. It was beyond me and my shallow notions. These weren’t things I spoke out loud, but they were certainly scurrying about in my thinking.
Early on, I relished past accomplishments in production and songwriting…you know….my “doings”. Accolades were an encouragement and spurred me on to be better and even more meticulous than before. But now I have a literal room full of kind acknowledgments, an honorary doctorate, industry honors and awards with more already put away in closets….few of which even my children would care to keep . What are they going to do with them? So I come closer to my ending point, and at the 70 years mark I’m left with the love of my family and the anticipation of meeting the real author of these songs and creative realizations.
So then there’s the part about my “being”… you know…who I really am, and that is a far cry from my “doings. Here I must confess that I have a history that publicly has given God the credit for my work, which did portend a deeply spiritual character on my part…but in actuality,with surreptitious discretion…I inwardly lusted after my own success…replete with benign Godly gratitude. How’s that for a combo. I knew God gave me the instinctive ability…but simply said, I wanted to get the credit so people would like me. It’s the only conclusion to which I can reckon my strong reaction when not being credited or slighted in mention. This quiet storm of course belies an even deeper underlying superficiality, a hungry lion that will not be tamed. There is no taming this desire to be significant…this want of being wanted..this need to be appreciated. So it manifested in me by appearing outwardly unbothered, while I murmured with inward complaint. Even worse, I have multiple areas in my life that include this sort of unspoken but mindful bubbling anger.
These are the things I have to be worked out in my prayer life. Personal things. Real things that desperately need God’s transforming work by whatever means necessary. There are not enough years left to be totally refined by the Refiner’s fire…I guess there never really are.
Though very slowly…it has dawned on me me that I can’t hold on to something that was never mine in the first place. Mine is to worship the creator, not the creation….something that should have begun in me a long time ago.